The Truth Of Belonging

Sat at the table, so many of us present that our arms pressed tightly to our bodies so we can maneuver enough to still eat. The bustle of the room is a noise all of its own, the chatter from the table just the loudest piece. With laughter and conversation all around me, I am a welcome member of the group, yet my smile is strained as I try to join in. I know these are my friends, but here on the edges I still feel separate.

This is a sensation I remember from my teenage years at school and within groups as an adult. Much like the street urchin character in a Dickensian tale, you feel separate as though standing on the outside of a window on a cold night watching a family dinner party within

Workplace dynamics when you’re still relatively new, parties, events, classes, or any situation where you are undoubtedly welcome, but you don’t know the ‘in jokes’ and haven’t had time to build a shared history with those around you.

I always wanted to be on the inside, we all do I guess. Not so much the ‘in crowd’ but a collective of people with whom you’re safe to be yourself, whatever and whoever that is. More than ever I believe that connection is essential to living well.

But what exactly is this connection we seek, what is belonging? Brene Brown followed her research into vulnerability by looking at belonging and gave this as a definition…

We seem to live in a more divided society than ever before. We have more labels and boxes to fit into, we have polarised factions of ideology and politics that have reached a point of not being able to exist side by side, and we have created echo chambers both online and in the real world that re-enforce and confirm all that we believe, meaning we are rarely challenged, and even rarer still, have the opportunity to discuss opposing opinions without it becoming a slanging match that forces us further and further apart.

Has our need to belong, to find a place of acceptance and safety been manipulated and corrupted by the faceless culture of social media? Has our ability to connect without boundaries resulted in a sense of fragility that perhaps the groups we need so much are actually only as strong as our internet connection and must be defended at all costs?

I believe that the faceless nature of social media and 80% of all of our communication has resulted in a knee-jerk reaction in conversations fuelled by a need to always try to fit in. We agree when we don’t really mean to, we ‘like’ and support posts that in-person our facial expressions would betray our true reactions. We want to fit in when according to Brene Brown, this is the opposite of true and genuine belonging.

True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.

And this is the hardest part. The part we know to be true but in feeling the confrontation with our own fears and self-doubt, we turn away from. If we could belong to ourselves fully first, then we would ‘want’ the safety and love of others, but not ‘need’ it to the extent we would be willing to betray ourselves to receive it.

So then, the question becomes how can we learn to belong fully to ourselves?

Brene talks of worthiness as a birthright, that if we could hold onto it through our formative years would allow us to be unquestioning of how much we deserve to be loved, respected, and accepted as we are by those around us in all settings. When you spend time with small children, you quickly realize that they don’t have a thought process that makes them question their own needs. They need a hug for reassurance so they reach out their arms, they don’t stop to doubt themselves. That habit comes later.

So, perhaps we could turn belonging to ourselves into a daily practice. One in which we meet our own needs as best we can, as often as we can, and we stop questioning the validity of those needs.

Accepting ourselves means accepting who we are today, at this moment. Not the person we were when we made a past mistake, nor the person we are hoping to become. Just right here and right now, noticing what is present and responding to it in whatever way is needed to feel safe and loved.

“Those who have a strong sense of love and belonging have the courage to be imperfect.” ~ Brené Brown “When you get to a place where you understand that love and belonging, your worthiness, is a birthright and not something you have to earn, anything is possible.”