Is It Our Emotional or Physical Weight That Is Holding Us Down?

I had a moment last night as I looked in the mirror while brushing my teeth for bed. It’s cringe-worthy to admit but I was lost in my imagination, fantasising about being literally swept off my feet. I caught myself saying, ‘I must shift some of this weight or I’d crush anyone who tried to pick me up.’

My tone was unemotive, it wasn’t a self-hating attack, just a factual assessment of the situation, and it stopped me mid-motion. I stared silently into the mirror I had chosen to be small enough to see my face and nothing else, and I wondered how long that line has been on repeat.

I remember when my children were younger back to a time when they both weighed the same amount. One of them was as light as a feather, the other would make me stagger as they jumped into my arms for a hug. I had no idea that how we move could change the sensation of our weight for the other person, but it was proven time and time again as one of them leaped high with a freedom that boasted of their lack of concern over their body or anything else for that matter, and the other child who was literally carrying the weight of their troubles along with them into my arms.

It was the first time I experienced the weight of how we feel.

I could be healthier, that much is true. I’d love to move my body more, to get outside for blustery autumn walks and dance like a wild woman no matter who is watching, but the weight I need to lose most is not of the physical kind.

Lately, I’ve been reading and listening a lot to men working in the area of ‘male empowerment’ and ‘positive masculine energy’. I’ve been hearing their messages trying to encourage men to step into their role as protectors, leaders and become someone that can be reliable, trustworthy, and strong without ever needing or asserting ‘power over’, and I wonder if this toxic idea of weight ad negative body image isn’t in some way attached to the weight that women feel they need to carry alone because they don’t trust those closest to them to share the load?

If a woman doesn’t feel desired, loved, and wanted both inside and out by the person she has chosen to share her life with, it seems obvious that she would internalize that as a rejection, feeding into the negative messages she received daily from our culture and society.

All too often women express to me how unseen and unheard they feel, and while friendship and community can offer those, there are elements of those feelings that can only be reached by your significant other. And I am sure there are many men that would say the same is true of their experience.

Why do we find it so hard to express the positive? To tell people how much they mean to us, how much we value and appreciate them, how beautiful or sexy we find them, how much we desire their bodies, their conversation, and their presence?

What are we so afraid of?

There are many theories around bodyweight that suggest we are wearing padding to protect ourselves from the outside world, or that we are using the weight as something to hide behind, but regardless of the subconscious reasoning, the effects of carrying weight that doesn’t belong to us are similar for most people. Perhaps then I don’t need to get ‘smaller’ but the external world needs to get bigger. Bigger in its ability to love, accept and desire out loud. Perhaps we all need to be more willing to be stripped bare and voluntarily vulnerable as we speak and show how we feel to those that matter most.

The difference in weight when you lift someone isn’t something that can be predicted and measured by a set of scales, it is in how they feel and how much they are carrying. So, what exactly are you willing to lift on behalf of those you love? If you genuinely want to lift them, can you do that in words and actions that they will receive?

The only weight holding me down is the one I carry in my thoughts and the image I hold of myself as and this year closes I think I’ll be putting it down.