How Often Do We Want the Lies, the Half-Truths, and the Omissions?

What scares me the most about myself when I think about lies isn’t how varied the shades of grey are, it’s how often we cover up the truth from ourselves and use other people’s words to do so.

I think we all know when something isn’t quite right. We might not always be able to put our finger on exactly what or why, but we know. Our spidey senses get tingling and we begin to question. Yet how often in those moments do we dismiss that instinctive response and turn a blind eye?

Years ago when a partner cheated on me, yes, I was hurt and devastated but I was not surprised. The moment of revelation didn’t have me reeling in shock, instead, I was hit by that sinking feeling in my gut that told me I had been right all along. As I sat absorbing the impact I knew that what I hadn’t wanted to see, I would now be forced to face.

But why do we do it?

I think it’s about comfort, and by that, I do not mean happiness or contentment. More often comfort is simply the opposite of discomfort, something which we seek to avoid at all costs.

We know deep down that discomfort is where the transformations happens. It’s the place where you are challenged and pushed over an edge that you hadn’t realised you had constructed for yourself. A false wall that discomfort creates a doorway on and then shoves you through. It’s one of the keys to growth.

We know this and yet, we resist. Wouldn’t it be better to stay with what we know, all the lovely safe, secure, and tangible things we have deliberately and carefully built around ourselves? Well yes, of course, it would. But what made you think anything is safe or secure? Padded walls can be heaven or hell depending on your view.

We are willing participants, caught up in an illusion the lives we have constructed are under our control. That we know the people around us and what is coming next. The truth is the world is so much more beautifully complex than that. You have no control, or at least very little. You get to make choices and decisions, but you don’t live in a vacuum, so each decision will be influenced, changed, and affected by everyone else around you, those you know and those hundreds of miles away that you don’t.

One way of responding to that reality is to close off to the possibilities it opens, and try to control as much as you can, putting neat barriers and rules into place to keep yourself ‘safe’. Another would be to accept that you only know the limited amount people have chosen to show you and that all you can do is trust them and more importantly trust yourself. And when it comes to that urgent warning bell that signals something isn’t quite right, trusting yourself is all you really need to do.

In relationships like the one I was in, the signs were there but I chose to ignore them. If I had made that choice consciously I would have no regrets, but I didn’t. I allowed my fear of truth to override my instincts telling me I wasn’t safe. The world is a dangerous place, you can get hurt by people, events, and numerous things out of your control, but we do have our own ‘bird in the coal mine’ early warning system. When you don’t feel safe, then you’re not. That might be because of the people you are with or the place you are in, or perhaps just because that environment isn’t right for you in that moment. It’s doesn’t mean anyone is out to get you, just that if you listen to yourself and your needs you can feel better. If you notice that you often feel that way around one particular person, then respond to that. Likewise, if you never feel that way with someone else, listen to that message too.

You can’t control the world around you, but actually, you don’t need to. And maybe, you don’t need the protection of lies either.